Who Am I? Based on assignment for my doctoral class
abigaleallisonmft
Apr 15
27 min read
Becoming “The Lady”:My Preferred Story
At the mere age of 12, I had set my heart on becoming a therapist. The 12 year old version of me had no idea what this meant or how I would do it but I knew this was my ultimate career goal. Many people are shocked or in awe of how early I made this choice. I believe the trajectory of my path has always been aligned with my purpose. Through a narrative therapy approach, I will articulate my preferred identity as a therapist / “the lady” for the sake of my narration. The term “go see the lady” is often used within the African American community to promote attending therapy sessions with a female therapist. Some of my clients, friends, and social media followers—me included—often refer to me as “the lady.” The label to me embodies everything that I have experienced to get to this point and feels culturally empowering. It is a mixture of respect, endearment, and understanding of how my career choice aligns with who I am. White and Epston (1990) discuss how individuals can move away from "problem-saturated" narratives by identifying and embracing alternative stories that align more closely with their values, intentions, and aspirations. This process, known as "re-authoring," empowers clients to reconstruct their identities based on these preferred narratives. In this paper, I will discuss my journey on becoming “the lady”, emphasize my hopes for the role, explore the hindrances I have faced, and demonstrate how I resisted these hindrances.
History of “The Lady”
Before I was “the lady”, I was just Abigale Allison Thomas. The only child of Andrene (mom) and Allison Thomas (dad). Although, they differed in personalities, upbringing, and are from two different West Indian Countries (Haiti and Jamaica). Both of my parents are hardworking individuals who prioritize family, work, and play (at times). My decision to become a therapist is deeply rooted in my early experiences within my family system. While I know my parents loved me and each other, our family dynamic shifted when I was about ten years old due to infidelity. Growing up in a complex family system, I learned firsthand the impact of unresolved trauma, emotional cutoffs, and the struggles of maintaining healthy relationships. My parents’ divorce will always be a turning point in my life. I no longer attribute it to a negative or positive experience, it just is. However, from ages 10-24 I had to navigate the heartbreak and aftermath caused by parental infidelity. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I remember wanting to seek professional help to better understand my emotional experience in the aftermath of infidelity and divorce. I was unable to seek mental health treatment in my childhood/teen years due to the stigmas within my family system and my parents' limited emotional capacity to tend to both their own wounds and mine—at least as I perceived it at the time. In response to being unable to process my own turmoil, I decided I would become this kind of source (a safe space) to friends, strangers, and soon clients.
By age 18, I formulated goals for myself on how I would become a therapist. I got accepted into Florida Atlantic University to study for my bachelor’s in psychology. I completed my Bachelor’s in 2020 and immediately started attending orientations about Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). When I attended Nova Southeastern’s MFT orientation, the inner child in me (who created this plan) was in awe of the systemic lens and what the program symbolized. From 2020-2022, I embarked on my unique journey to complete my master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy. After graduation, I focused on completing the licensure process and made the decision to further my education at the doctoral level after licensure (The Lady is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist “L.M.F.T”).
“The Lady’s” Hopes
I learned early in my career that I did not want to be the therapist who questioned passing the tissue box to my clients because from my personal standpoint the tissues represent comfort and compassion. As a therapist, I hope to provide a safe and supportive space for clients. I strive to challenge clients as well as give space for grace and acceptance. I never want my clients to feel that holding them accountable requires me to be unkind or brutal. My approaches are always guided by compassion, tailored to the unique needs of each client, and shaped by my authentic self—nurturing, transparent, and forthcoming.
Hindrances of “The Lady”
There are a few significant hindrances I have faced since practicing as a therapist. One being ageism, clients tend to question my ability to conduct sessions based on my age. I remember, as an intern, struggling to convey my skill set and educational knowledge to clients because they often interpreted the label "intern," combined with my age, as meaning I was a "baby therapist" or not an expert. Even now, as a fully licensed clinician, my age still represents some perceived “gap” in knowledge or wisdom. Additionally, being a multicultural female therapist can also pose a challenge at times. There is an immense amount of pressure in how I must show up in this field. Pressure which intersects with broader systemic factors (cultural stereotypes) creating a heightened sense of self-surveillance in the professional field. Navigating being Black in predominantly white spaces can lead to self-doubt and create fears about how one's authenticity will be perceived. One of my most prominent challenges is imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is defined as “internal experience of intellectual phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement” (Clance & Imes 1978, p.1). Researchers have posed links between imposter syndrome and discrimination. When thinking about the possibility of discrimination influencing “internal experiences” it is easily applicable in my eyes. I have learned throughout the years to navigate biases and microaggressions that aim to control how I should present myself, both physically and emotionally.
“The Lady’s” Hindrances Manifested
Imposter syndrome, the sense of being an “other” (navigating spaces where people are not like you or look like you), and ageism all attempt to feed my thoughts about my adequacy as a therapist. These challenges can create moments where I feel like I should be second-guessing myself or remaining silent in certain settings. I remember throughout my master’s experience having these hindrances rear their head for the first time through supervisors who questioned how clients would receive my hair changes or being told my handing of the tissue box indicated I was uncomfortable with my client’s tears. It creates what I refer to as “too thoughts”. For example: “I am too emotional”, “my hair is too urban”, or “I am too different”. The societal messages given about African American women in the workplace can reinforce the need to overperform or over explain, causing exhaustion and extra emotional labor. Also, impacting how I physically present at times due to concerns of being seen as “too diverse”. These challenges sometimes chip away at the foundation of my preferred identity — one rooted in confidence, resilience, and authenticity as a Black therapist.
Sparkling Moments “The Lady” Experienced
White and Epston (1990) defined “sparkling moments” as exceptions from the problem-saturated story to help individuals identify ways to reframe their stories and gain agency. I have actively resisted these narratives by showing up authentically. So, yes, I still gesture or hand over the tissue box. However, now I may discuss my line of thinking with the client like “please don’t take this as a message that you should not be crying here. This is a place to do so”. After years of hearing commentary on how my appearance — from my hair to my nails — might shape others’ perceptions of me, I chose to reclaim that narrative. Now, I show up as I am, whether my hair is pink, black, or orange. I have discussed with clients openly about what my hair means to me since it is a visual representation of how I am feeling, and how I want to present in sessions. Another sparkling moment occurred during a supervision session where I openly discussed racial dynamics in therapy. I never shy away from an opportunity to discuss gaps in cultural feedback or how to be culturally sensitive. Deliberately choosing to be vocal has helped me reclaim my voice and recognize the importance of addressing systemic factors rather than internalizing them.
History of Sparkling Moments for “The Lady”
I have learned overtime that my ability to resist self-doubt is correlated to my lived experiences, and the people around me. My parents have always been great examples of resilience and hardwork. They truly always support my endeavors. They also provided me with a village, my gifted community, implementing key characters in my life that I could turn to when they were unavailable. In watching my parents be loyal, supportive, and kind to others; I learned to do the same. This learned behavior led to me creating an additional village (my chosen family/friends). With the help of my village, and my personal therapist(s) over the years I have continued to heal and develop into my best self (which looks different daily). I have found tools that help me make peace with my past, and to see my strength not as survival alone, but as the quiet power that’s always been within me.
Through this narrative experience, I called on this same village to write about my journey through their eyes. I had my closest friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and mentors participate. The message I sent read: “I’m reaching out because I’m working on a meaningful project that involves gathering letters from important people in my life—people like you—who have witnessed different stages of my growth. I’d love for you to share a letter reflecting on qualities or values you’ve seen develop in me over the years. It could be a specific memory, a lesson we’ve shared, or any way you’ve seen me grow. Your perspective means so much to me and having your words as part of this collection would be incredibly special. There’s no right or wrong way to write it—just from the heart!”. In integrating my loved ones’ reflections, I can honor their perspectives while providing depth and humanity to the unfolding narrative of my preferred self as a therapist.
From my Gifted Community “The Exterior Design” …
Excerpts from My Parents / “The Foundation” …
“Since I am the most important person in your life. I wanted to let you know that you are blessed and highly favored by God. You are a very successful and powerful young black queen with good morals and a heart of gold. You are career oriented with a boss lady attitude. Whatever you put your hands on flourishes. You were sent on earth to heal God’s people, and you are doing a great job. I love the way you think about others and make time for your friends and family. Sometimes, I wonder when do you make time for yourself because someone is always calling, texting, or even coming over just to talk and get advice. I know God made you special to conquer all these challenges bundled into your life. You do this career woman look, and task like a pro… I know you are walking on the path that was meant for you… Dr. Abigale Allison Thomas” - Mom
“…I can recall at an early age; I told you not to jump up and down on the bed and not even two minutes later you flew so high off the bed as you were about to land head first on the floor I caught you by your ankles and I realized that you would be a handful. I have watched you grow into a beautiful intelligent young woman. I can recall your interest in my work and how you always wanted to go to my job on the weekend when I was at burger king because you were willing and wanting to learn about business and now you have your own business from a clothing adventure to your current profession. I have watched you excel in everything you put your mind to and continue to do so. As a father I cannot deny how proud I am of you…” - Dad
From my Aunts and Uncles / “The Roof” …
“Our baby Abigale has grown into a beautiful, smart and wonderful young lady. She is focused, goal oriented and holds the world at her fingertips. I have watched her grow from the preppy little baby girl with makeup all over her face into a grown professional. Her maturity and smarts is not a surprise because both her mom and dad are very talented individuals. Her grandparents and aunts continue to pray for her to bloom into the beautiful rose and walk into the plan God has in store for her from the day she was born…” - Aunty Andrea
“When my little Abby was growing up, she always acted like a little lady. That's when I knew that she is going to be a go-getter and a beauty star that she is…She always liked to play dress up in her pretty little dress and pretty little shoes…” - Aunty Audrey
“…The way she talks, she always had the cutest voice and how intelligent she was. I knew her future was going to be bright. She has grown up to be such an amazing therapist. I'm so proud of the amazing therapist you've become, Abigale. You have such a gift for helping others, and I know you're making a real difference in the world…”- Aunty Ava
“…Watching you grow into the incredible person you are today has been truly inspiring. Your unwavering determination to become a therapist has been evident from the start. I'll always remember how you were there for me when I needed someone to listen without judgment. That meant the world to me, and I know you've offered that same support to countless others…I've watched you blossom into a compassionate and strong woman, and I couldn't be prouder. It feels like just yesterday you were taking your first steps, and now you're taking on the world. I'll never forget that determined little girl who wasn't afraid to throw a tantrum to get what she wanted – a trait that seems to be serving you well in your career! It's funny how things work out sometimes, isn't it? One of my biggest hopes has always been for my children to have positive influences in their lives, and Abigail, you are undoubtedly one of those people. Seeing the impact, you have on them fills me with joy and hope for their futures…” - Unc Bauche
“…I've watched you grow from a wee little baby to now a beautiful, strong and inspiring woman…Some of my favorite memories of you as a child were the outfits. Your mother used to dress you up so cute. The matching shorts sets and the pigtails with matching bubbles, and let's not forget the handbag. You were such a little lady of leisure. I knew you were going to be a boss lady when you grew up and look now. You are handling your business and still dressing to impress. I am most proud to see you walking in your own footsteps. Choosing to live your life on your own terms.” - Aunty Avie
“…Ever since you were small, you were always very courageous, but with courage came obstacles, fear, and mistakes that we often make…your courage and warm heart have not changed… But the woman you are today is all of that plus more. I remember seeing you just always standing up for what you believe in. Which is so admirable. Especially in today's world with so many different beliefs and personalities. You always did your best to make a difference in this world…When you're against difficult times, you always find a way to make it better. You always face your fears to pursue your goals, big or small. It's a core value that enables how strong and powerful you truly are…You've grown up so fast with such grace, courage, and wisdom to conquer the next stage in your life.” - Aunty Apple
“…I remember when you were just a little girl that wanted to get ice cream when I picked you up from school. You have always been headstrong on knowing what you wanted to do. I love that you stayed family oriented and strive to be your best self. Through all of your challenges you thrived…” - Unc Steve
“Dear Abigale, you my dear are a remarkable young woman and I am blessed to not only be your uncle but your godfather as well. Watching you grow up has been nothing short of amazing. I have watched you grow from a carefree toddler to a strong and independent woman. There hasn’t been a single thing you have put your mind to that you have not achieved. Furthermore, once you achieved said goal, you immediately set another. The most recent recollection I have of this is the day you received your masters. Only a few hours had passed since the ceremony, and you declared to everyone in the room at your celebration that we will be back doing this all over for your doctorate. I was blown away because the courage and strength it takes to declare that in a room of, by my best estimate, 75 people is bold to say the least. However, knowing you and seeing what you have done thus far, I know you will do it Dr. Thomas! You are a shining star! One that burns so bright you leave your mark on others…”- Godfather
“From birth you have always been that girl, I think you've always been very assured, very confident and that's obvious, everyone can see that. But looking back now, even as a child, you were extremely thoughtful, very astute (I think it's the Scorpio in you). I don't know if it's a quality that people overlook, but I love that about you... one thing I can say is you're not afraid to take a risk...I love that you love to have fun and enjoy yourself. You're adventurous and brave and not afraid of a challenge (LOVE THAT), because that's how you discover new facets of yourself, by pushing boundaries... I think in a lot of ways you're like a piece of bamboo, you're flexible but strong as hell... You're extremely powerful and determined and you should always remember that... Everything I mentioned before is good and all but what i really LOVE about you is you're loyal... You gave me space when I needed, always checked up periodically even when I didn't reach out, and best of all no judgements, just patience.
Words really can't express it for real. WOMAN you are one of a kind. Minted…
And honestly after everything that's happened, I'm not afraid to say that I NEED you in my life…” -Sammy (Older Cousin)
…I have been blessed to be a part of your life. Allison and Andrene Thomas along with family and friends welcomed you into this world in 1996. Since then, you have blossomed throughout the years excelling in all your adventures, scoring high and achieving scholar awards…
You are one of the most dedicated, hardworking and motivating the group of Millennials, Generation Z and Generation Alpha in our family. You are highly self-motivated and capable of achieving any goal you set your mind to accomplish. I am proud to have you in our family as a role model and leader to accelerate and foster the need for higher education.” - Sherry (Older Cousin)
From my Cousins (The Siblings I Did Not Know I Needed) / “The Framing” ...
“You have always been someone who I consider to have a good head on their shoulders. Even when we were young and naive, you have always been someone who knew what she wanted and always took the leap to start and follow through with your goals and aspirations and even exceeded them, and go get more…Watching you grow into your fullest potential academically and professionally has always kept me in awe, but what’s been even more special is seeing how it translates to your personal development. When we were younger and more a product of our environment than we are now, we naturally had some unhealthy habits that were learned from those around us; let it be our parents, older distant relatives, friends etc. But over the years you’ve grown so much and over time have gotten so much better at managing your emotions and stress, you’ve become a more effective communicator, and you've mastered managing the relationships with those you’re closest to on a completely different level than the average adult in their mid/late 20s. You always strive for excellence and continue to make those around you; me especially, proud. You work so hard but somehow also find the balance by making sure to take care of yourself and have fun and that is truly commendable…” - Axi
“Abby abby abby I don't know where to even start about this person she has been such a big person and such an important person in my life. I feel like through my high school years she has really been the person that I have looked to for all my advice. Abby has always been the older sibling that I never had which makes her so special to me. When I went through the loss of one of my best friends she was right there on the other line to make sure I was ok and that really sat with me.Writing this at first made me tear up because I never really realized how much stuff I have been through and how she was there for me every single time…saying all this made me realize I don’t know what I would do without her. There are plenty more things that I want to say but I don’t know how to put it into words that how much Abby means to me and how much of a big impact she has made in my life.” - Aarie Berry
“One thing I’ve always admired about you is how hard you work. I saw you push yourself through undergrad, determined to succeed, and you didn’t stop there. Now, you’re working on your doctorate while running your own practice, and your clothing brand. But even with everything going on, you still make time for the people you care about. No matter how busy you are, you’re always just a call away, ready to offer your kindness and support. Something I’ve really learned from you is the importance of showing love. Growing up, I didn’t hear “I love you” that much, but every time we’d say goodbye, you made sure to say it. That small gesture meant a lot to me, and now, because of you, I make an effort to say it to people who I love every chance I get because you can’t take them for granted.” - Desi boo
“Dear Abigale, I feel truly lucky to have watched you grow into the amazing person you are today. Throughout the years, I’ve seen wonderful qualities develop in you that really show how strong, kind, and thoughtful you are. One thing that really stands out is your incredible ability to empathize with others. So many times, I’ve seen you go out of your way to help those around you—whether it’s by listening, offering encouraging words, or providing practical support. You have a unique talent for understanding how others feel and responding in a way that comforts them. This not only makes you a source of comfort for many but also shapes how you engage with the world—with kindness and true understanding. I've also noticed how your confidence has blossomed over time. There were moments when you doubted yourself, particularly with your business, “Fumjolie.” You once shared that you felt unmotivated and decided to focus completely on your studies, which totally makes sense. But after finishing school, when I visited you, I bought a swimsuit from your collection, and that sparked your motivation to relaunch your brand. Since then, I’ve made it a point to support you by buying things from your collection whenever I can. It’s been inspiring to see you take bold steps, make decisions, and trust in your abilities. Your growth isn’t just about achieving goals; it’s about how you’ve found your voice and stayed true to your beliefs, even when things got tough. One of the most beautiful things I’ve noticed is how you continue to grow not just in what you do, but in who you are as a person. You face each new experience with an open heart and a willingness to learn, which has helped you see the world in new ways and inspire everyone around you…” - Toosh Toosh
“Abigale is one of my oldest cousins. I have so many memories of her even though I am younger. I remember wanting to hang with her and our cousin Destinie and my older sister Tashae and she told me “yuh too young si down” in patois (you are too young, sit down), to ask her for advice and looking up to her and how much she’s done in her life. I am a psychology major and looking up to my cousin and seeing her finish up to doctor level of schooling is really inspiring and motivates me a lot. Abby is another one of the many educated, thriving, and successful black women in my family. I am genuinely really glad I am able to see someone, especially a close relative flourish so much and do things I see myself wanting to do.” - Ty Ty
“As your younger cousin, I have always looked up to you from a little age. I’ve seen you grow in many ways, but I feel like a better word is blossom. Who you are today is still the little girl you once were but just evolved and she is so proud of you. In your life I’ve seen that you’ve been through multiple seasons of pain or storms. However, despite it all you have preserved, learned from them, and used them to grow. You have always done that. You have always used the situations that you were put in and used them to strengthen you and you’re understanding. I feel as though your career path is testimony to that. You used your experiences of pain and growth and used them to plant seeds in others' lives of healing and hope. You don’t forget what you’ve been through but have used it to grow.” -My Sweet Angel
“My older cousin Abby has been such a big inspiration for me. She’s always been there when things got tough, whether it was just talking things through or giving me advice that helped me get through some hard times. What really stands out to me is how passionate she is about her job as a therapist. It’s clear she’s genuinely driven to help people, and I see how much she cares about her clients. I’ve learned a lot from her, like how important it is to really listen to people and be there for them when they need it most. She inspires me to chase my dreams & shows me that no matter what may stand in my path no wall will be too tough to climb. Watching her put so much work & passion into helping others has made me realize how powerful it is to help others through their struggles, and it’s something I really admire.” - Bebe Leah
From my Chosen Community / “The Interior Design” …
Excerpts from Mentors / “The Doors” …
“…I have known you for approximately five years and was fortunate to have you in a few of my courses. The first time we met was in my Diversity class. I remember that you introduced yourself to the class embracing your red hair and your unique differences. Throughout the semester you consistently challenged yourself to share personal stories that highlighted your cultural journey. As a student therapist in one of my classes, I noticed that you received positive feedback from your peers during your presentation on infidelity. We as a class appreciated your vulnerability and candid stories on how infidelity affected everyone in your family. Your story challenged me and the class to view your ideas from a different perspective. Abigale, as a person and therapist, you are knowledgeable about issues related to self-awareness. You are open, caring, and dedicated to working from a client-centered position. You are kind and value helping families in need. In the time I have known you, the first thing that comes to mind is that you are warm and patient. I appreciate your curiosity because it allows you to be authentic and reflexive. Your ability to know what you need and pursue your goals is admirable. I enjoy having you as a colleague and seeing your growth.” - Dr. Gomes
“…you’ve been a great addition in my life. This thing called life isn’t easy, however I love your confidence, hustle, and zeal for life…” -Evette “Ma”
Closest Friends / “The Windows”
Excerpts from Childhood Friends…
“Witnessing you excel at school, in your career, and in your personal endeavors has always inspired me and is a constant reminder of the qualities I seek in people that I want in my life for a lifetime: grounded, aspirational, intelligent, passionate. You are all of these things and so much more. It’s not just your 2 (or 3? 4?, can’t keep up) degrees, your 8+ years of education, your lifetime experience of being a therapist (cause let’s be real the work started pre-higher education)... It’s your approach, your passion, your commitment to being better and your ability to take on all of these accomplishments while still navigating the day to day challenges of life and adulthood. We all know the ride comes with hiccups and stress, but you do it all with grace, hair laid, a fresh set, and a vacation planned to make up for all the troubles…” - Lani
“…You have been a sister and friend. You are a teacher and student of life. No challenge is too big for you and I love how you overcome every one of them with grace. You value life and everything it has to offer : friendships, love, and knowledge. You have grown in wisdom, strength, and confidence…” -Binky
“Reflecting on those times in the middle school hallways and playgrounds to where we are now in our late 20s, your journey has truly been remarkable. Even as kids, you had this infectious energy and a natural ability to lift everyone around you. Your warmth and spirit have only intensified over the years, and it's been a joy to witness…Your consistent support and positivity have been invaluable. You've taught me the importance of patience, the necessity of accountability, and the impact of compassionate words.” - Khey
Excerpts from Adolescence Friends…
“My lady, THE LADY to be exact. You were always the good angel on my shoulder. The little tinkerbell in my head. Even if I didn’t want to hear it, you would just hold my hand and speak to me with patience and kindness. Sometimes you even let my madness take up full capacity, but you’ve always been able to bring me back down to my earth. You’ve taught me to always have compassion and understanding. Something I feel like people always struggle with when it comes to me. You check on me in my darkest moments as if you can just sense when I needed some encouragement to keep going or that I’m not alone.” - Bubbles
“I've known you for more than 11 years… I got to witness my best friend evolve into a grown woman… I've learned from you: communication is key, thinking before I really do some wild **** , self worth and the hardest one of all accountability… You have impacted my life with a lot of great things.…One thing for certain though the Therapist that you are has always been in you even at a younger age. I know you probably hated how much we dumped on you growing up but thank you for always listening.” - Buttercup
“The first time I encountered Abigale, I immediately noticed a distinct and captivating spark in her eyes. She exhibited a deep passion in every relationship she nurtured and consistently demonstrated a willingness to take initiative…Despite the challenges she faced, I witnessed her growing resilience, particularly in terms of her mental fortitude.” -Tri
“...Throughout this time, we have gone through so many changes in life in our personal growth from adolescence to adulthood…I have witnessed Abby blossom into a strong ambitious woman and therapist… I have seen Abby display empathy, strong communication skills, openness, professional ethics, cultural competence and diversity awareness and self-awareness in her personal life and work setting…Growth has kept our friendship at a healthy standpoint as it helps us to have clear-cut communication with one another and better understanding to all the differences and changes life can throw at us.” - Riah
“… I’ve watched you evolve into someone who embodies strength, compassion and authenticity. You have such a kind heart, the kind that lights up every room you walk into and makes people feel seen, heard and valued. Your ambition is contagious and you stay consistent in everything you do. Your resilience is something I admire, life hasn’t always made things easy but you’ve handled every challenge with grace and quiet determination…” -Ray Bae
Excerpts from Adulthood Friends…
“…Before understanding the person you are on a personal level, I instantly noticed you always had drive and are hard working. From the growth of our friendship I have learned that you see the world in a way that is flawed with opportunities for positive improvements with work and communication and it's a quality that I love about you because it's realistic. The last time I'll touch on is your level of support!You are truly mindful in your actions and your interactions…” - Anya
A poem written by A. H.
I’m awed by your life,
your consistency, and your growth.
I couldn’t be more proud.
When I met you, you wanted to be a therapist.
At that time working in ABA,
Hoping to finish bachelors, stressing how to enter a masters program, thinking a doctorate was too far away.
Look at you now.
Everything you spoke on, is coming to life.
Saying I’m happy for you would be an understatement.
Truthfully you’ve been a therapist before you truly knew it.
Your ability to speak, listen, understand, and relate to others is unmatched.
The way you care for others, the love you possess for your family, the loyalty you provide to your friends.
You embody love and care.
I truly love that about you.
I met a butterfly, well, a caterpillar.
A beautiful soul in the process of transcending.
Filled with wishes and goals,
Anointed by manifestation,
Covered by prayers,
Backed by support.
A true dreamer.
This is your metamorphosis
and I’ve been lucky to witness this part of your journey
“…One lesson that we learned together was seeing our value in a place where we felt undervalued. I think when we realized that this (through our vent sessions and feedback), we shared a pivotal point in our lives. We left that agency together with our head high and have been going up the ladder ever since. Over the years, I’ve witnessed your dedication to self-growth and healing. Through our conversations, it’s as if I could see the therapist in you growing day by day. This is literally a testament of you embracing your purpose and I am so proud of you for choosing to answer that call.” - Lou Boo
“…I can reflect on one of your many amazing characteristics and that’s the ability of you being able to show up for others. I honestly don’t know how you do it but it truly is amazing. You’re an amazing person, when it comes to someone you love and or care about; the things you do, the thought you put into things is superhuman like. You dedicate so much time into things you love and that’s why there's never a doubt in my mind that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. Especially when it comes to your education and loved ones. I know it may seem overwhelming and frustrating a bit but you seem to always show up and or even sometimes over play parts which isn’t always a bad thing it's just who you naturally are. I admire the way you treat others and show up for the people you do , especially myself.” - Bromer
“…Your confidence, the way you own a room when you walk in and share your thoughts confidently, inspires me…I admire how you stay authentically yourself. It can be difficult to hold on to our core sense of self in a process like a doctoral program. We must follow many expectations and guidelines, and it can be so easy to lose ourselves in the process, but you never have. I admire that you stay true to yourself in every class lecture, presentation, and outside conversation. Finally, I admire your resiliency. You are not just a survivor. You are a thriver…” -Eric
“…When she enters the room, her presence is felt. This presence is creative, confident, and entrepreneurial. Abby is unwavering in her convictions as a feminist and her determined mindset. Abby demonstrates that it is possible to be strong without letting the world make one hard. In Abby’s case, she does not trade her warmth and kindness for fortitude. These qualities can be seen on her dialectical tattoo, reading “Both/and.” Although I believe that children should be more so protected than resilient, Abby became resilient at a young age and protects others unwaveringly…” - Sarah
Each response offers a mirror, clearer than my own, to the qualities I hold most dear. The selected excerpts from each letter illustrate key themes of resilience, care, and authenticity as witnessed by significant figures in my life.
“The Lady’s” Re-membering Community
I compared my community to a house, or home because each person mentioned previously makes up who I am and how I learned to be me, fully. Through them I learned to greet strangers with a smile but still peek through the peephole and remain vigilant and aware. They are who I go to to feel seen, heard, and understood. The individuals who most connect me to my preferred therapist identity are my parents, and my previous professor (Dr. Gomes). They remind me who I am when I feel uncertain. They are my re-membering community—individuals I consciously invite into the space with me, even if only symbolically.
My parents both give life to different parts of me. My father’s business mind has always drawn me to want to explore ways to be productive and successful. His hard work, dependability, and integrity has always shown me what it means to show up with authenticity. My mother in another life, could be a therapist. She is who everyone turns to for a laugh, or a moment. As a therapist, I find myself channeling her approach with people, her patient way of being—her ability to hold space for someone.
Dr. Gomes was the first person to identify that I would work with couples and challenged me to face my bias regarding infidelity since infidelity happens in many couples. She noticed I was avoiding processing my family’s challenges with infidelity and encouraged me to “sit with it”. She taught me the importance of “transforming before I transmit (to clients, peers, strangers, etc.)”. Her influence reminds me to remain curious and compassionate with myself and clients. When I’m tempted to default to “fixing,” I hear her voice urging me to lean into presence and possibility instead.
In every session, I carry more than just my degree or clinical training. The textbooks, and treatment modalities are important and inform my practice. My lived experiences and the people around me also encourage how I practice. I carry my community of voices, values, and visions. My re-membered community helps me to remain connected to something larger than myself.
Strategies To Stay Grounded in My Role
Through this process, I have learned quickly the importance of staying grounded and reaching for my coping toolbox. It is an act of resistance and restoration. It is easy to get pulled into proving, performing, or pushing past my limits. I am not just becoming a Doctor of Marriage and Family Therapy, I am becoming more intentional, caring, and authentic to myself. The three core strategies I lean on are journaling, music, and intentional check-ins with my given and chosen community. Music provides a space for me to escape and wonder, especially on emotionally taxing days. I will listen to a variety of genres to reorient myself to the day. Journaling accounts for reflection time. I learn a lot of myself through journals I have kept over the years, and even from writing I have done more recently. The last coping strategy mentioned (probably my favorite/ “go to”) is leaning on my community. I was never meant to do any of this alone, and God demonstrates this through the people he places in my life so intrinsically. They keep me grounded, hold me accountable, and never let me forget my “why”. They are a huge part of not only my “why” but my “how”. Together, these strategies act as anchors, helping me return to myself continuously and fiercely as I grow into the therapist I want/hope to continue being.
Conclusion
Engaging in this narrative therapy process of writing my preferred story has been life altering. In writing this, many aspects of myself have been reaffirmed. The hindrances I have faced and how they have manifested has never halted my story. The history of who I am, the display of my values, and the opportunity to strengthen my voice through this paper helps me to maintain my authenticity. I know that my voice, perspective, and therapeutic presence is not only valuable to the marriage and therapy field but to my loved ones and having this reiterated is invaluable. My preferred story as “the lady” acknowledges both hindrances, growths, and successes I have experienced thus far. I will continue to practice in ways that honor “Abigale Allison Thomas” the therapist, the lady and the woman.
References
Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The imposter phenomenon in high achieving women:
Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice,
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